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Dear Diary,
Over the last 4 months, I have craved the opportunity to wholly relate to other brides out there going through the volatile emotions of planning a wedding in 2020; the COVID-19 era. God has laid it on my heart to share Cam & my engagement to marriage journey and tell the stories of how God has shown up in a million ways throughout this year. A year that almost everyone has deemed as a waste and I could surely add my own griefs to the pile. From losing two pets since the stay at home order began (small potatoes… but also big potatoes to me) to hearing really difficult and devastating close family & friend news almost weekly to the unrest and turmoil of our country and world; it has been difficult to portray joy in the happiest season of life; engagement to your best friend!
But I honestly refuse to let the woes of 2020; what we see as something God did ‘wrong’; stop me from celebrating the incredible miracles that He has shown us. I have felt every emotion under the sun while planning this wedding. Anxiety, guilt, worry, anger, frustration, sadness, oppression from other people’s opinions…. all of these awful things have been my companions the last few months and that is wrong. I dealt with a severe anxiety attack and a trip to the ER; having been so overcome with worry and the feeling of condemnation by others.
One of the best things I have done in the weeks leading up to our wedding is set up virtual counseling sessions with a wonderful Christian counselor. She points out my unhealthy cognitive dissonances, affirms my deep emotions, and encourages my decisions backed with Godly wisdom. Our pre-marital counseling sessions have also been so refreshing and we have gleaned wonderful wisdom from our joyful and God-honoring pastor. Although you won’t find counseling sessions suggested on many wedding to-do lists, putting the time in to this Christ-centered self care has been a huge blessing.
I feel sad that I haven’t had 100% faith in God through every twist and turn of this year and that I haven’t been able to communicate God’s faithfulness as much as I should. It’s even been hard to share on my blog and Instagram, where I am typically very open about my struggles. God’s goodness towards me has been woven through every step. Cameron and I have a beautiful story of God’s grace and love that is worth sharing, we have a community of support, and we see and celebrate the good of 2020. I truly grieve with each bride that has cancelled or postponed their weddings and I can’t fully understand the pain and disappointment of that decision. I am so sorry. I pray that God preserves our date for us to shine His love and encourage our guests; forlorn by a year void of hope. May God be glorified on August 29. We do not take this opportunity lightly. Ultimately He is absolutely in control.
Cameron and I got engaged last August and immediately began searching for an outdoor venue that could accommodate an early fall date. I dreamed of a big white tent wedding. We were met with fully booked venues from September through November and the opportunity to compromise on our dream day. After much anxiety and frantic searching, we finally found our venue and they had one date available. One Saturday in late August at an all outdoor venue, with a backup open-air tent as a built-in rain plan; something that no other venue had. Our biggest concern at that point was that people would be hot or it might rain; but ask me now and I couldn’t be more grateful for a sweaty wedding with miles of gorgeous farm land to socially distance. Our current restrictions allow gatherings of 250 or less when outdoors and we will be hosting less than half of that capacity. Thank you Jesus.
I’m very much a to-do list person; a positive for getting things done, but a negative to my mental health. I always need to be checking things off the list. Regardless, my lists made us hit the ground running with planning. I ordered my dress the first week of November and we have had decor pieces lining our house for months. We would never have been able to get those items in the mail once the shutdowns began. We had even fit in our cake tasting, ring buying, live band selection, and food tasting the week before the closings. It has been a huge blessing to be such a planner and organizer, not even knowing what we would deal with the second half of our engagement. I am so thankful for God’s gifting in that area.
Fast forward to March and everything began to shut down. Given the initial 2 week shutdown (that’s a laugh), we were sure that we would be able to have my bridal shower as scheduled in May. Weeks turned into months and Cameron sat me down to talk about the “5% chance” that we would have to alter our wedding plans. He didn’t want me to ignore that possibility and have to face it down the road. I didn’t even want to think of the possibility at that point and I pushed off talking about it; which created more and more anxiety in my heart. As time passed, it became even more realistic that our venue and first and foremost, the state of Pennsylvania, would not be open in time.
We sat down with my parents and I cried, naturally. I couldn’t imagine splitting up the day by having a small wedding and then a larger party next year, as most people have been forced to do. As Christians, Cam and I will not live together before marriage so delaying our wedding means delaying our lives fully together; a God anointed unity. After 4 years of long distance and 8 total together, I didn’t think my heart could wait any longer. It was then that we created our back up plan; my parents yard. It couldn’t have been more perfect as a Plan B and we were content to invite as many people as the state would allow, come August. I was just as excited for that plan as for our Plan A, oddly enough. The ceremony would be by the Greenhouse, cocktail hour spread around the yard, and a large tent in the front yard for dinner and dancing. It calmed my heart so much to know that whatever happened next, we are getting married in August. This is still the back up plan and that is a luxury that many people don’t have and I thank God for that every day! Fully acknowledging that our state/venue could close at any point between now and August 29…
It was a gloomy (mood-wise) Friday afternoon when we suddenly heard the news from the state; all counties would move to Yellow by June 5! Yellow phase means groups of up to 25 are allowed to gather, which meant we could have a small shower! I was so happy; I drank a lot of sparkling rose that night. They were also projecting that Chester County, where our venue is, would go ‘Green’ by the end of June, which allows up to 250 people to gather. Even thinking about it now makes me cry. It was such a beacon of hope in the midst of a really challenging time as a bride. You think you’re only going to have to deal with a few people asking for a plus 1 and then you get hit with a pandemic. I mean, come on!
My amazing mom and sister, Allie, were able to throw me the most beautiful 25 person bridal shower in my parent’s back yard. It was all planned to be outside so that people could spread out. Of course, typical 2020, the weather forecast was thunderstorms the entire day. It felt like we were finally going to have this chance and then it was going to be taken away by rain. That was a really difficult week, to deal with the feeling of God taking something away that would bring so much joy if it could just happen. Admittedly we really lost sight of God’s goodness that week. It was crushing and discouraging.
That week of rain that was projected never happened. It was the sweatiest day in masks and I couldn’t have been more blessed. Even though we couldn’t have everyone we would’ve invited in a normal year, it was such a special, intimate group and I loved being able to talk to everyone individually and enjoy them all. Cameron and I felt so encouraged that day, as he was able to have a small ‘dude shower’ planned and hosted by my awesome brother in law at the same time. God provided.
At the beginning of June, just in time to make the final edits to our invitations, we found out that we would be able to have 150 guests at our wedding. Our venue and caterer put together an incredible document of safety precautions that makes us feel so comfortable and ready to have this wonderful event. Masks will be required the entire event, sanitation managers will sanitize high touch areas, signs will be displayed with 6 feet markers and ceremony chairs will be spread out in groups of 2 and 4 all over the lawn. It will be very much like going to the supermarket but in a fancy dress and with even more space to spread out outdoors. I know things could still change before August, but at this point, nothing would surprise me and I know God’s plans don’t change.
Cam and I have talked a lot about how different this year of engagement has been than what we expected. We haven’t gone on a date in months, family visits have been limited due to bans, and I’m pretty sure there were more tears than a typical wedding planning year (on my side, not his). But God continues to build our story together and our testimony is great. With my human expectations, I would’ve changed a few things about this year. But my, how a pandemic can be used to strengthen a relationship and serve as incredible pre-marital counseling. I’m not sad, disappointed, scared, or worried. God has shielded me with a peace that passes all understanding and overflowing joy from my heart. We’ve been through it all and we still want to get married. That’s something worth celebrating in 2020.
xoxo,
jojo
p.s. If you are getting married this year, I give you permission to celebrate and enjoy every moment of the process. You are not alone. Nothing can steal your joy. This blog post is such a great depiction of what this time feels like: A Friendly PSA from a Tired 2020 Bride
